You know you are fucked up when you are super drunk and crying over Truly — Lionel Richie.
And the feeling feel so real. Both of us cannot escape from it. It seems like the feeling chase us. Yet, the universe is funny. The time we both realise our own feeling, it was our last time to see each other.
I remember how he hugged me from the back and kiss my shoulder.
How he held my hand and kiss on my cheek. Then slowly kiss my lips and swallow it.
I love his smell and it means somethings since I have sensitive nose.
I love playing his hair eventho I know he doesn’t like it.
“If you are an animal, I guess you are a grizzly bear,” I told him that. I couldn’t see his face since it’s dark but I can feel the hug been tighter.
“Do you expect me can be a lover as well? Why you always think I’m a playboy. What is a playboy anyway,” he confronted me which makes me laugh.
I laugh because whatever he said to me would be too late.
I wish I could hear this 5 months ago.
I wish we both can solve our misunderstanding at that time and get back to each other.
I wish I could spend more time with you and learn more about you.
“Now I look for something long term. I could easily go to a bar and hit any girls. But sex is not fulfilling. And I’m easy to get bored. Having conversation like this is more relaxing for me,” he told me after we talked about China politics.
But it’s too late.
I even don’t have a chance to have a proper goodbye.
Or is this not a goodbye?
Will I ever see you again and we can start whatever happen between us?
It is true, you will not forget the way you make them feel. Whatever it is, it touch my deepest heart.
[Canberra, December 9, 2018]