Real Feeling

You know you are fucked up when you are super drunk and crying over Truly — Lionel Richie.

And the feeling feel so real. Both of us cannot escape from it. It seems like the feeling chase us. Yet, the universe is funny. The time we both realise our own feeling, it was our last time to see each other.

I remember how he hugged me from the back and kiss my shoulder.

How he held my hand and kiss on my cheek. Then slowly kiss my lips and swallow it.

I love his smell and it means somethings since I have sensitive nose.

I love playing his hair eventho I know he doesn’t like it.

“If you are an animal, I guess you are a grizzly bear,” I told him that. I couldn’t see his face since it’s dark but I can feel the hug been tighter.

“Do you expect me can be a lover as well? Why you always think I’m a playboy. What is a playboy anyway,” he confronted me which makes me laugh.
I laugh because whatever he said to me would be too late.

I wish I could hear this 5 months ago.

I wish we both can solve our misunderstanding at that time and get back to each other.

I wish I could spend more time with you and learn more about you.

“Now I look for something long term. I could easily go to a bar and hit any girls. But sex is not fulfilling. And I’m easy to get bored. Having conversation like this is more relaxing for me,” he told me after we talked about China politics.

But it’s too late.

I even don’t have a chance to have a proper goodbye.

Or is this not a goodbye?

Will I ever see you again and we can start whatever happen between us?

It is true, you will not forget the way you make them feel. Whatever it is, it touch my deepest heart.

[Canberra, December 9, 2018]

Illogical

Your heart knows better

When it doesn’t meant to be, it won’t meant to be

Just like when you see the ocean

The wind whispers the answer

The wave speaks the sign

All these illogical things keeps you thinking

But your heart knows

Grow Together

How do you know it is love
You don’t know
You may never know

But you feel it

When it feels warm in your chest
When there’s tears in your eyes
When the past feels irrelevant
When the time stops when you are together
When everything feels better when you’re with him

It may not happy all the time
There will be sadness, anger, and grieve
But there also will be laugh, smile and joy
Sometimes lonely and boredom too

Yet, you will enjoy all of these things
And you still want to be with that person
Then you will grow together

 

Gadis di Peron 4

Sendiri aku menunggu, tanpa kepastiaan.
Aku tidak pernah tahu kapan ia akan datang, ia begitu tak bisa ditebak,
Kadang ia datang, kadangpu ia tak telihat.
Wahai gadis di peron 4, kemana kau akan  melaju?

Parasnya menawan, ia tinggi semampai, berambut hitam legam yang acap kali dikuncir, kadang ia memakai kaca mata, kadang tidak.

Yang paling ku ingat darinya adalah bibir merahnya.
Tuhan memberinya garis bibir yang tipis, yang tampak sangat menawan ketika lipstik merah dikenakan di atasnya.

Aku tak pernah tahu namanya, akupun tak pernah mendapatkan kesempatan untuk bertanya.
Ia begitu jauh dariku, mungkin karena ketidakberanianku, aku hanya bisa memandangnnya dari kejauhan, wahai gadis di peron 4.

Pukul tujuh pagi, ia sudah berdiri di peron Stasiun Bekasi, menunggu kereta yang akan berangkat lima menit kemudian.

Gerbong favoritnya adalah gerbong kelima, karena ketika nantinya ia turun di Stasiun Klender, ia bisa bergegas berlari ke gerbang keluar, mengunggulin penumpang-penumpang yang lain.

Aku mengasihi diriku sendiri atas ketakuatanku untuk berkenalan denganmu,
Tapi tak apa,
Memandangmu dari jauh sudah begitu membahagiaku.

Karena, mungkin saja ketika nanti aku berkenalan denganmu, kau akan memilih untuk menjauh dariku.

Biarkan saja keadaan seperti sekarang ini,
Wahai gadis di Peron 4.