Real Feeling

You know you are fucked up when you are super drunk and crying over Truly — Lionel Richie.

And the feeling feel so real. Both of us cannot escape from it. It seems like the feeling chase us. Yet, the universe is funny. The time we both realise our own feeling, it was our last time to see each other.

I remember how he hugged me from the back and kiss my shoulder.

How he held my hand and kiss on my cheek. Then slowly kiss my lips and swallow it.

I love his smell and it means somethings since I have sensitive nose.

I love playing his hair eventho I know he doesn’t like it.

“If you are an animal, I guess you are a grizzly bear,” I told him that. I couldn’t see his face since it’s dark but I can feel the hug been tighter.

“Do you expect me can be a lover as well? Why you always think I’m a playboy. What is a playboy anyway,” he confronted me which makes me laugh.
I laugh because whatever he said to me would be too late.

I wish I could hear this 5 months ago.

I wish we both can solve our misunderstanding at that time and get back to each other.

I wish I could spend more time with you and learn more about you.

“Now I look for something long term. I could easily go to a bar and hit any girls. But sex is not fulfilling. And I’m easy to get bored. Having conversation like this is more relaxing for me,” he told me after we talked about China politics.

But it’s too late.

I even don’t have a chance to have a proper goodbye.

Or is this not a goodbye?

Will I ever see you again and we can start whatever happen between us?

It is true, you will not forget the way you make them feel. Whatever it is, it touch my deepest heart.

[Canberra, December 9, 2018]


Your heart knows better

When it doesn’t meant to be, it won’t meant to be

Just like when you see the ocean

The wind whispers the answer

The wave speaks the sign

All these illogical things keeps you thinking

But your heart knows


you were born weightless
you float among the stars.
and you watch these worlds within worlds:
died, and revived.
Over and over and I,
I am that hallowed chest you left behind,
across the oceans,
miles and miles of words and emptied hopes.
so I speed through the nights in silence,
anchoring your dreams, I keep them not to go-
not to you, I want them to stay.
with me, they are all what kept me from leaving,
to be among the stars.
To be with you.

Teuku Rifqy, 2017

September Melancholia

At first there was laughter,
before long tears ensued.
Unceremonious and abrupt.
I lost my fangs,
and you gave up your antlers.
You were blood to my veins,
running thick and black.
I was your thoughts,
your flaming blue desires.
Cease your wept,
there are no longer us you keep calling,
in that long and dark night we used to call home.
We came from nothing,
And to that nothingness we will return.



by Teuku Rifqy